Inspired by the conversation between Daniel Kobryner and habit transformation founder Eli Shechter on Redesign Your Life Today.
You know the promise.
Tomorrow you will stop scrolling so late. Tomorrow you will start the project. Tomorrow you will finally follow through.
For a while you do. Then a stressful day arrives. Your routine changes. The familiar behaviour returns.
The disappointment can feel bigger than the habit itself. You begin wondering whether you are simply someone who never finishes what they start.
But a broken promise is an event. It does not have to become your identity.
In his conversation with Daniel Kobryner, Eli Shechter offers a useful way to approach change: build a life in which the old habit has less of a place. That means understanding what matters to you then making your daily behaviour reflect it.
The question becomes more interesting than “How do I stop doing this?”
“Who am I becoming and what would help me live that way today?”
1. Look beyond the behaviour to what it gives you
A habit can cost you something important while still giving you something you want.
Scrolling offers distraction. Avoiding a difficult conversation offers temporary relief. Constantly checking messages offers a feeling of being needed.
If you focus only on the cost, you may overlook why you keep returning.
Eli describes how his own turning point came during a family crisis. When his wife needed emergency surgery, he tried to manage the hospital visits alongside their children, his work and their farm. He also returned to cannabis as a way of coping with stress.
He believed he was doing everything required of him. Later his wife told him she had not experienced the emotional presence she needed.
The gap was painful: the way he was coping was getting in the way of the husband he wanted to be.
His experience raises a question that applies far beyond his circumstances:
What does this behaviour help me escape and what does it prevent me from giving?
Perhaps avoiding your finances spares you an uncomfortable hour but leaves you anxious all week. Perhaps saying yes to every request earns immediate appreciation but leaves little energy for your family.
Choose one everyday habit and complete these sentences:
- “In the moment this gives me…”
- “Afterwards it costs me…”
- “What I actually need is…”
Be specific. “I need to relax” is a beginning. “I need ten quiet minutes after work before anyone asks me for anything” gives you something you can act on.
2. Give change a reason you can feel
“I should be better” is difficult to turn into a daily decision.
“I want to have enough energy to play with my grandchildren” has a person, a purpose and a picture attached to it.
Eli explains that his relationship inspired his change but he came to understand it as something he wanted for the life they shared. Another person can help you recognise what matters. You still need a reason you can make your own.
Ask yourself:
“If this behaviour changed, what would become possible that matters deeply to me?”
Go beyond the obvious outcome.
You may want to stop procrastinating because you want to share work you believe in. You may want to put your phone away because you want your daughter to experience your full attention. You may want a calmer morning because you are tired of beginning each day feeling behind.
Write your reason in one sentence:
“I want to change this because I want to be more present for the people I love.”
Read it before the moment when the old habit usually appears. A reason becomes useful when it helps you make a choice.
3. Make the first promise small enough to keep
One of Eli’s most practical suggestions is to start much smaller than your ambition tells you to.
If you want to exercise, your first commitment might be putting on your walking shoes. If you want to write, it might be opening the document and writing one sentence.
This can feel almost embarrassingly small.
But consider what happens when your starting point is too demanding. You promise an hour. You have fifteen minutes. You decide it no longer counts. You do nothing then use that as evidence that you cannot trust yourself.
A smaller promise gives you a way to follow through on an ordinary day.
Try these starting points:
| What you want to build | A small promise to begin with |
| A writing practice | Write one sentence after breakfast |
| More movement | Put on your walking shoes and step outside |
| Better organisation | Put one item back where it belongs |
| More attentive relationships | Put your phone away for the first two minutes of a conversation |
| Progress on a project | Open the file and choose the next action |
You can do more when you have the capacity. Keep the minimum clear so that extra effort remains a choice rather than a new obligation.
A small promise kept gives you evidence that your intentions can become actions.
Start with one promise. Let it become dependable before expanding it.
4. Notice the reward your action already creates
Eli shares a wonderfully ordinary example: making the bed.
He does not particularly enjoy the task. What makes it meaningful is knowing that his wife appreciates it. A brief action becomes a daily expression of care.
This is a useful reminder that the value of a habit may sit beyond the activity itself.
You may dislike preparing tomorrow’s work materials but enjoy starting the morning calmly. You may resist sending a difficult email but appreciate the relief of no longer carrying it around in your mind.
After completing your small action, pause long enough to notice its value.
Ask:
- “What is easier now?”
- “Who benefits from this?”
- “What did I follow through on?”
Avoid dismissing your effort with “It was only one sentence.”
It was one sentence you said you would write. Allow that to count.
Choose encouragement that supports the life you want. If you are trying to reduce compulsive scrolling, an unrestricted scrolling session may undermine the change you are building.
5. Give your future identity a daily expression
It is easy to say, “I want to be disciplined.”
It is more useful to describe what that would look like at 8:30 on a Tuesday morning.
Would you begin the task before opening social media? Would you check your calendar before accepting another commitment? Would you listen to someone without reaching for your phone?
Identity becomes practical when you translate it into observable choices.
Complete this sentence:
“I am becoming someone who…”
Then add:
“Today I will practise that by…”
For example:
“I am becoming someone who shares her ideas. Today I will write the opening paragraph of the article I have been postponing.”
“I am becoming someone who protects her attention. Today I will finish one small task before checking messages.”
“I am becoming someone who is present with her family. Today I will leave my phone in another room during dinner.”
You do not need to feel like that person all day. You need an opportunity to practise being that person.
Eli also invites listeners to think about how they want to be remembered. You can make that reflection concrete by asking:
“What would I want the people closest to me to be able to say about how I lived?”
Choose one quality from your answer. Give it a place in today’s schedule.
6. Prepare for the moment you usually slip
A compelling vision gives you direction. Your surroundings and routines need to support it.
If you usually reach for your phone beside the bed, choose another place to charge it. If you avoid a project because the next step feels vague, leave yourself a written instruction before closing the file.
Look at your chosen habit through four questions:
- When does it usually happen?
- What happens immediately before it?
- What am I seeking at that moment?
- What could I make easier to do instead?
Suppose you scroll after a demanding workday because you want a break from decisions. Your alternative needs to offer a break too. A short walk or ten quiet minutes may fit that need better than another demanding task.
Give yourself a simple plan:
“When I close my laptop, I will leave my phone on the desk and spend five minutes outside.”
Adjust it if it does not work. You are learning about the conditions that help you follow through.
7. Measure progress over a longer horizon
Eli describes reviewing his life on his birthday: what he accomplished during the previous year and who he wants to become in the next one.
He does not always achieve everything he planned. He still notices how far he has travelled.
That distinction matters. If your only measure is whether you followed through perfectly, you can miss meaningful progress.
Perhaps you still postpone difficult tasks but start them sooner. Perhaps you still lose an evening to scrolling but recognise what happened and return to your routine the next day.
Ask yourself each week:
- “What promise did I keep?”
- “What made it easier?”
- “Where did I struggle?”
- “What should I adjust?”
A missed day deserves investigation. It does not need to become a verdict on your character.
You might need a smaller action, a clearer cue or more support. Use what you learn to make the next attempt more workable.
Your first step today
Set aside ten minutes and write four lines:
The person I am becoming:
Describe one quality you want to express.
The habit getting in the way:
Choose one specific behaviour.
The need underneath it:
Name what the behaviour gives you in the moment.
The promise I will keep today:
Choose an action you can realistically complete.
Then do that action.
You do not have to redesign your entire life in one afternoon. Begin by making one part of today reflect the person you want to become.
Repeat it. Learn from it. Let your promises grow as your capacity grows.
Over time you give yourself something more convincing than another declaration that tomorrow will be different: a record of choices that already are.
Watch the full conversation
Watch the full episode of Redesign Your Life Today with Daniel Kobryner and Eli Shechter to explore Eli’s personal journey, his approach to habit transformation and the small decisions that helped him move towards a different life.
Watch the full episode and choose one idea to put into practice today.